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Struggling, failing, fighting, evolving, succeeding!


🌈 855 – Sun 8 Jan 23:44 2022


Woke up with a full complete poem. I was thinking of it for a few days but never thought of putting it down.. I win and I always win..

My dear friend, anytime I cross your mind, I want you to remember the words I said..

I win and I always win.

It’s the time we played the game, the game you bought, the game you called as Backgammon.

I saw you cheat and I called it as you’re a Backscammon.. I still won the game and remember I said to you, my dear friend, I win and I always win.

My dear friend, anytime I cross your mind, I want you to remember the words I said..

I win and I always win.

All those years, the hours we spend, the people we met the travels we did.

The first time I met you, I felt sorry for you. You were quiet and sweet and you want me to stay. We grew closer and I still felt sorry for you. If you knew the truth I only stayed because I felt sorry for you.

Then I met your family that first Christmas, You’re mother was loving and kind, I still felt sorry for you. I’m sorry for feeling sorry for you, and I’d left, I’d be more sorry for you..

So I stayed and we played, this time we played Chess, the glass chess I bought for you and we played twice, you lost and I won twice.. My dear friend, anytime I cross your mind, I want you to remember the words I said..

I win and I always win.

We took the flights from London to Cornwall, we met up with the rest of the family.

The Caravan we stayed in and the horse riding we did with your sister.. We went to the sea and we did the bungee jump, the wet suits and the hours we spend on the beach. I ran and you ran and I said, old man, you can never catch me.. My dear friend, anytime I cross your mind, I want you to remember the words I said..

I win and I always win.

We drank, danced, the partied we went to, and the chill out we did in Kennington. It was freezing cold but we took the boat from Westminster to Greenwich.. We went to the Parliament, we did the Sunday mass at St. Margareth’s church, and we also attended the London Pride and Mrs. Thathers’s funeral.. then we had an English tea at the Covent Garden hotel, we sat at the table, we didn’t eat much but we sat and laughed, laughed and laughed.. we both won my friend, all I ever really wanted was just to be your friend.

Yes, all I ever wanted was just to be your friend. Was it too hard to believe.. but it is the truth and it was just to be friends. My dear friend, anytime I cross your mind, I want you to remember the words I said, I win and I always win.

I miss Olly and I miss Nelly, I know they are growing up so fast.. I miss Max and I miss Ellie.. I miss the booths, I miss the Canal, and certainly, I miss The George.. I wish you all the best and release you mentally and spiritually today. You go your way and I go my way.. I didn’t plan on but I always won the games we played.. My dearest of a dear friend, anytime I cross your mind, I want you to remember the words I said..

I win and I always win..


Woke up early, with the above poem a few lines complete in the morning.. did not feel like getting up the bed. I wondered what would be the purpose in life is, what will motivate me every day to wake up and get off the bed.. Dark, cold, wet, and grey outside and window inside sweating.. alarm has been snoozed off too many times finally 9:15 I got off the bed.. did 8 pushups from the bed with legs on the bed and hands on the floor.. still trying to find the motivation to get up.. Went to the kitchen and ate breakfast Tuna and Chickpeas.. meditated for a few minutes.. it started raining outside as I got ready to go to the gym..

the time was already 11:30 was just checking the time what must be back at home near parents and it was 17:30 pm, I was thinking should I ring them what are they upto and mother texted saying they are just heading over to see sister on their way and Dad just went into the sweet shop to buy Cutlis for the kids. and she said, she’ll phone me when they are back home I said okay enjoy your ride.. God knows what she thought she rang me straight away, we spoke for a bit Dad got into the car, and I think they were on the speaker and Dad started conversating and he said, 2023 will be the year, we will get you married.. lol. I was quiet.. he says the time things have to be done needs to be done! I kept quiet.. they bid farewell and were on their way and I hung up.

I felt terribly lonely today, this guy who acted like an ass a few times, had messaged 3 months ago saying just wanted to meet as friends, I felt what today, I texted him saying, Hey, Happy New Year, I had moved and had been busy moving.. hope all’s well… he got back in 3 min saying Hey all good, Happy new year, I had a relaxing break and a big party for the NYE.. how was the move? I replied in about 3 min again saying, yeah the move went cool, a bit closer to work and still setting but good.. did you go somewhere you said, you had a relaxing break? I only watched fireworks for NYE.. he didn’t msg back for the next 28 min.. last time I remember, I texted he texted back then I reply and he replied after 3 hours.. I didn’t like it again.. I thought, why did I even bother.. I said I wish you all the best my friend and deleted the number.. No matter how lonely someone feels there is no need for you to let someone treat you ill.. perhaps you won’t get it but it’s a build-up for many conversations.. I decided I’ll be the last.

Midday passed started feeling hungry, I made Lamb and rice ate and watched Netflix and it rained outside most afternoons… Sat at the desk and did Pivot tables in detail for 2 hours solid.. bored, still raining.. sat the desk until 18:30.. the rain subsided by then but cold took over, made a cuppa and changed clothes, and got to the gym, and did 6 x sets of 8 reps of Pull-ups on the bar and 4 x sets of Abs press on the machine and left the gym in about 15 min.. home and ate rest of the Lamb and Chapati rolls x 3. 2 with Lamb and 1 with Yogurt and kept browsing Oscar-winning movies on Netflix, then award-winning movies, finally decided to watch Robin Hoon 1991 heard so much and came across many times but always skipped..I was hooked and watched until the end..I was a good one, I wish I had shared it with someone watching.. 22:20 had a wank, and packed back for tomorrow, put the laptop back in the backpack, the charger, the mouse, and then took the shirt/trouser out, a handkerchief, 2 x sets of shocks, gloves, underwear, Bunyan, jacket, bike lights put them all together so I don’t have to look for them in the morning and then opened a pack of Sultanas and sat the bed fucking typing.. 3 things I felt grateful for today.

  • Grateful for a quiet but a productive day
  • Grateful for the food got cooked well and was tasty to eat.
  • Grateful for the invention of tv’s signal and all possibilities..

What would it take for me and for you to wake up 10 x times bigger, thicker, learner, more active, and happier and have a great day tomorrow at work and be the relaxing, relaxing, relaxing yet productive day tomorrow and then the rest of the week and all negative patterns please tet deleted.. Goodnight, good luck.. Ash